People who drive while talking on the phone are most likely to blame for traffic increases, at least according to a new study from the University of Utah.

Even when using a hands-free headset, cell talkers “just don’t keep up with the flow of traffic.” And when they’re a part of commuter traffic clogs, they move at an average of 2mph slower than the average phone-free driver.

From the article:

“The distracted driver tends to drive slower and have delayed reactions,” said Strayer, whose study will be presented later this month to the Transportation Research Board of the National Academy of Sciences. “People kind of get stuck behind that person and it makes everyone pay the price of that distracted driver.”

Cell users, on average, take 3% longer to reach a destination through highly congested traffic. And when you consider that nearly 1 in 10 drivers is talking on the phone, it can add up pretty quickly.

The most alarming thing to me about this survey is that they project the number of cell-chatting commuters at a mere 1 in 10. That, to me, is ridiculously low. Feels like every driver I see on the road is gabbing away, but maybe that’s just my perception. Or maybe I only drive on roads that teenagers drive on.

And I’ll go ahead and tell you that I talk on the phone while I’m driving. So I guess the next time you’re stuck in traffic, you can blame me. Sorry about that. Couldn’t be helped.

Oh, and let’s not forget this recent study that says that people driving while sending text messages cause accidents (Yeah, I know…from the Well, Duh Center for Research & Obvious Findings). What person in their right mind says, “Yeah, I know I’m driving…but I think I’ll send a text message”?! Wouldn’t it be less distracting and use fewer of your hands to simply call that person you’re texting…considering you need at least some of your appendages to operate the vehicle?

What I want to see is a study about how much traffic congestion is caused by people who put on makeup while they drive… or people flipping through their CD storage case while driving. I guess this study could just as well read “people who carry on conversations with their passengers while driving cause traffic congestion” because the real problem is that their not focused on driving… they’re laughing at something Billy said in the back seat. Driving, of all things, is the worst candidate for multitasking. I, for one, am calling for an immediate ban on doing anything while driving except for the driving itself. I know, I know…it’s a revolutionary idea.

I know, I know… duh! Yes, folks, here’s another finalist for Most Obvious Survey Results of the Year award.

Deloitte & Touche has released the findings of a new survey and–drumroll please–people like using cell phones, the internet, and other tech gadgets!! Look at the woman in that picture, she’s using the internet and a cell phone all at the same time!! And even the baby is wired!

Seriously, who is the genius that pitched his bosses on this survey (who then sat back in his cushy corner office for three months playing World of Warcraft)? I mean…. easiest. Job. Ever.

“Hey boss, I want to do a study on hybrid cars. You see… I think people are buying more of them today than they were ten years ago.”

“Were they even making hybrids ten years ago?”

“I doubt it. But the only way to know for sure is to perform this study.”

“Make it so. Here’s a million bucks for having the genius idea.”

Okay, okay. I’m going on and on a bit here. Sorry. I just can’t believe some of these surveys and studies get done–or that someone feels they need to be done.

Apparently, according to this Earth-shattering new report, 38% of Americans are watching TV shows online, 36% use their cell phones as entertainment devices, and 45% are creating their own online content such as a blog or a website. The degree to which Americans are “wired” has jumped 50% since the last incarnation of this survey eight months ago.

What?! They did the same survey eight months ago? Well now I’m absolutely convinced that some lucky guy has the very best job in the world. Just crank out useless surveys with obvious results year round. Whoever that dude is, he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

Did anyone really think that these results would show fewer people watching online TV, using cell phones, or creating websites? That’s what I thought.

Oh well. Thanks for letting me rant.

Here’s another entry in the “Well…duh” category:  a new survey finds that consumer cell phone spending has overtaken landline spending. 

First, I would have guessed that this had already happened… a few years ago.  But apparently the tipping point only just recently was reached.  In an age where even middle-schoolers have their own cell phone, this is not a surprise.  I cannot think of a single person that I know who does not have a cell phone. 

In fact, the only thing keeping landlines in the conversation is dial-up or DSL Internet service–which uses phone lines to connect to the web (and it is, of course, the phone companies that are offering and pushing DSL Internet service). 

Mobile phones are, well, mobile.  You can receive all your calls without having to sit in the house all day.  Cell phones are not only popular, they are more capable.  Cell phones can double as mp3 players, GPS devices, web browsers, PDAs, and much more. 

For more on this earth-shattering study, go here.  And stay tuned for the sequels:  “Computer Use Outpaces Typewriter Use,” and “More People Drive Cars to Work Than Ride Bikes.” 

It’s not every day I get a chance to write about technology AND pizza, all in the same article.  So you’ll have to pardon me if I seem excited. 

Papa John’s has unveiled a new service:  you can now order a pizza via text message.  Hooray!

And just in the nick of time, because ordering a pizza the regular way is such a long and tedious process that I was just about to give up trying altogether.  Using the phone or the internet to place an order for a pie is just too arduous. 

But in all seriousness, this is a neat little innovation, and hopefully–for Papa John’s sake–the pizza-craving, text-messaging demographic (i.e., teenagers) won’t find some way to abuse this system or create false pizza orders on their friends’ phones. 

The sad thing is, I’m just old enough to be very poor at text messaging…which means that ordering through this new method will likely not save me any time or effort.  Bummer.  But your 15-year-old is gonna love it, as long as you’re buying.